If you really want to know what scares you, become a parent

We move through life thinking that we are pretty cool. We have a handle on all situations and nothing concerns us. Then we become a parent...

How many of us really know ourselves? How many of us know what frustrates us? What angers us? Which words or actions someone says or does trigger a negative response in us?

I honestly didn’t think that I had anything that triggered me. I now know that was a misgiving. Looking back on my teen years and early adult life, there were quite a few situations I had gotten myself into because I was triggered and consumed by rage.

However, when I become a parent, I thought all of that was behind me. Yeah, how wrong was I. If you want to know where your unresolved issues are or find out what triggers you, parenting highlights this very quickly. Things that we never thought in a million years would be an issue for us, start showing up and causing us anger, frustration, or fear.

I always thought I would be a cool parent. I would allow my children to experience life at full force, with the odd knee scrape here and there. How wrong I was! I have discovered that I am a parent who is extremely cautious. To the point that I started to stifled my child’s natural curiosity to explore the world because I was always there telling her to be careful or stopping her from doing something.

I know exactly where this has come from because it was the exact same experience I had as a child.

Having some caution is of course a good thing. We don’t want our children to run out onto a busy road or climb onto the roof of a house and jump off it. We want our children to explore the world but with caution. The problem is they can only develop caution by experiencing the world in all its glory…and we make them risk-averse if we stop them or limit their exploration of the world.

I was acutely aware that this was not good for my daughter and have worked incredibly hard in ‘normalising’ her want to explore and be a child. Jumping off fences, swinging off branches, going to gymnastics, climbing the ladder to pick apples are just examples of things that use to make my heart beat fast, my palms go sweaty, and start to feel faint. She even told my husband not to let me know that she had been up the ladder with him. I knew then that I needed to get a grip on being so risk adverse. It was crippling me and her.

I am by no means ‘fixed’ but there is a marked difference in my response.

So now when I feel that rising dread in me, I ask myself is this rational? Is there anything in this current situation that is going to cause harm? Are there any saber tooth tigers around? Is my child doing something that is risky? For the most part,and I would say 99.9% of the time, the answer to these questions is no. And I can let out a big sigh of relief and allow her to carry on with whatever it is that she is doing.

Being aware of what triggers us and why we have such big responses to those triggers is key. If we allow those triggers to go unchallenged, then we run the risk of ruining our relationships with our children.

I have a free Facebook group, where we talk all things parenting. It’s a safe place for mums of teens and pre-teens to come and discuss tips and strategies that create peaceful family relationships. If you would like to join the group. The confident mum: Empowered Women’s tribe, click here.